


On Losing Humanity and Getting It Back Again

by Luthwyn



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Dog - Freeform, Happy Ending, Hitman AU, M/M, Mental Illness, Violence, mentions of sickness, one of them is super guilty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-11
Updated: 2018-06-11
Packaged: 2019-05-21 03:59:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,121
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14907915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luthwyn/pseuds/Luthwyn
Summary: Phil is careful, always living under his parent's shadow but content . Dan is reckless, working for someone who is going to get him killed. When they meet in the middle of a job, things do not go the way either of them expects.





	On Losing Humanity and Getting It Back Again

Phil didn’t think he was the usual type for his line of work. He was clumsy, lanky and often a bit vacant; it was his family’s business though so here he was. He’d been a bit messy this time, so he had a bit of cleaning up to do. At least two chairs were left broken on the floor as well as most of the random junk that had been athletically placed on top of the coffee table. His target was lying on the floor, a jagged shard of glass stuck into his jugular. Phil usually went for the asphyxiation or poison route since he wasn’t so keen on blood but this one had put up a fight.

He dragged the corpse into the bathroom and unceremoniously heaved it into the shower. Once all the limbs had been squeezed in Phil turned on the nozzle and yanked the glass out. Blood continued to flow down the drain as he crushed the shard under his foot and kicked it under a bathmat. The water would wash away any prints or DNA that had been left on the man from his tussle with Phil and would hopefully speed up the decaying process. Just to be sure though he turned up the heating full blast. From what his client had told him, this man had very few friends or family members who would come looking for him. By the time he was found the body would be too rotten to tell anything from.

He backtracked into the main living area, mopping up any blood with a rag he found in a random draw. He cleaned up the broken furniture and spent a good deal longer than he had to scrubbing the apartment clean. When he was sure there was no trace of him left he slipped out of the window and headed home. He messaged his client who responded with an address from which he could collect his money. Phil preferred to handle his payments physically rather than through a bank, less traceable. The only way he still hadn’t got caught was because he was meticulous, one of the many things his Mum had taught him when he was in training.

It had been an easy job none the less and he shouldn’t have messed up enough as to leave so much as a smidge of evidence that he was there. There was no time limit, no witnesses and the building he had to get into wasn’t really that secure. He just hadn’t expected the target to be as alert as he was when Phil arrived, it well past midnight. He’d been mixed up in some pretty heavy shit though and it was the drugs ring that wanted him, so he was probably off his head on something. That something, however, had lead to him not shouting for help though so Phil could count that as a blessing. His brother had always been the better at physical combat out of the two of them, Phil preferred to be stealthy, not that he was very good at it.

When he eventually arrived home, he barely had time to remove his crimson-stained boots before flopping down into the sofa. His apartment was modest but bright. As far as the government knew he paid for things out of his parent’s fortune, as not to raise suspicion. They need not know about the rest he kept elsewhere. Since his job was mainly nocturnal and he wasn’t exactly prone to making friends he, of course, had an obscene amount of games, books, films and anything else a lone bachelor would need. His bins were always filled with take out and he rarely tidied up, much to his mother’s chagrin.

Noticing he had a missed call from said mother, he picked up the phone and returned it. It answered on the second ring,

“Child?”, she answered, her voice warm as usual. People would often expect that an ex-hit woman would be a terrible parent, but Phil thought she was the best Mum in the world. She and his Dan had taught him everything he needed to know about the tricky world of assassination along with all the normal parent stuff they have to tell you about,

“Have you finished work?” Phil in his half-asleep state nodded dumbly before realizing she couldn’t actually see him and gave a curt ‘yes’, slightly embarrassed with himself. She was silent for a moment before sighing,

“Martyn got caught up elsewhere, I was wondering if you could . . . finish up?”

Phil groaned and checked his clock; it was almost two in the morning,

“Do I have too?” He said in a voice that was perhaps a bit too whiny for someone of his age but damn it, he was tired.

“We’ll lose a client if you don’t and there’s ten grand in it for you.”

To be honest Phil didn’t really care about money. He wanted a nice house one day with dogs and a swimming pool, but he was going to wait a while and he already had substantial savings. Ruining his family’s reputation, however, he wasn’t about to do that. His parents had been the best and had built up a solid client base over the years. Both were retired now so he and his brother had taken up the mantel. They were the elite, reliable and skillful, but also quite expensive. Phil got a few jobs through running into people or a past customer needing his services again, but most came through his parents who essentially ran the business.

“Alright fine,” Phil replied grumpily, “But you can’t complain about the state of my flat next time you visit.”

Kathryn laughed,

“Ok, now take care,” she said softly, “Love you.” Phil rolled his eyes,

“I will do, love you too mum.”

When he got there, he used one of the handy little gadgets be often carried around with him to jam the cameras. He had been sent the security code for the main entrance so all he needed to do was walk through the door. He swiftly unlocked the door and silently swung it open. The apartment was dark but there appeared to be some sort of action happening in the kitchen because the sound of smashing furniture echoed around the walls. Phil really hoped some couple wasn’t doing it on the breakfast bar because he had walked in on that before and it was more than a little awkward, especially when he had to kill both of them as to leave no witnesses. What an unfortunate way to go, fucking on a kitchen counter.

He crept through the dim hallways, drawing a pocket knife as the commotion drew nearer. Eventually, he popped his head around the door to see his target mid brawl with another man. He hid in the shadows and watched with mild surprise as his target repeatedly hit his attacker with whatever he could find. The attacker was a young man with curly brown hair and pale skin, he was taller than the target who was a stout Asian man but didn’t quite carry as much muscle.

The brown-haired man was thrown to the floor and the target made a beeline for the doorway. Without missing a beat, Phil shot out a hand and grabbed him by the throat, shoving him against the wall. The man gasped and struggled for about a minute, the veins popping on his forehead, before eventually falling still. Letting him drop to the ground, Phil turned to the other man, who was staring at him in shock,

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he said gravely, “And I’m sorry that I can’t let you leave.”

He began walking towards the man, pocket knife in hand. He felt a bit guilty, but he couldn’t run the risk of being caught as it would most likely result in his brother getting caught as well given that this was originally his job. The man scrambled to his feet and held out his hands,

“It’s alright I won’t tell anyone. The cat will watch in silence.”

Phil narrowed his eyes, he knew that phrase. It was an old way of telling others that you were a fellow of the trade, although Phil had never actually needed to use it himself,

“Just don’t wake the dog,” he answered slowly, unsure of how to proceed.

The man visibly relaxed,

“Thanks for helping me out back there; you did my job for me.”

Phil remained silent for a moment,

“You need to be careful; he could have easily gotten away. You can’t just show up and expect to be able to take someone out, were you not prepared in the slightest?” he asked, voice cold.  
The man scratched the back of his head looking slightly embarrassed,

“I thought he would be asleep.” He answered in a small voice. Phil did have to admit that the guy had been acting a little crazy, but wouldn’t you if someone was trying to murder you? “Still, don’t let it happen again,” he growled, “How did you get in any way?”

Phil was very good at putting on a tough act. He had sounded ridiculous at first but after years of practice, he had it nailed down. He was having to keep this up for longer than expected though, so it was bound to break sometime.

The man pulled a length of rope out of a rucksack that had been thrown against a broken table and gestured to the open window,

“Climbed.” He replied faintly. Well, at least he won’t have been caught on the security cameras. Phil grabbed the rope and used his knife to cut a section of it off. The man went to complain but was silenced from an icy glare from Phil, he was too tired to deal with this right now. He quickly fashioned it into a rough noose and slung it around the targets neck. He heaved the corps across the room until he came to a wooden beam in the ceiling, which he slung the free end of the rope over.

“Help me with this would you?” he grunted as he started pulling on the rope. With both men pulling they managed to hoist the body a considerable distance above the ground before Phil tied a messy knot and placed a toppled chair underneath to replicate a suicide.

He quickly went about cleaning up as he usually bit, hyper-aware of how the other man’s eyes rested on him. He was handsome, with chocolate eyes and an expressive look. He had some freckles, which only extenuated how pale he was, although he didn’t quite match Phil’s translucent shade. They were both clearly people that didn’t go outside that much. The man stood in the corner looking impossibly awkward, not having a clue what to do.

Once he had finished Phil beckoned the other man to follow him and walked out of the front door. The man followed him hesitantly. Phil swiftly locked the door behind him and checked his jammer to make sure the cameras were still off. The man looked over his shoulder a look of awe on his face,  
“I thought they only existed in spy films.”  
Phil struggled to suppress a giggle because that was exactly what he had said to his Dad when he first been shown one at age seven. As they continued Phil noticed that the other man was looking extremely nervous,

“Just act like you should be here, nobody will question it.”

The man let out a shaky sigh. When they had gotten a significant distance away from the apartment block, he seemed to calm down.

“I’m Dan by the way.” He said, offering his hand. Phil cocked his head, a little confused as to why this

Dan was telling him this. He debated for a moment as to whether he was going to respond before coming to the conclusion that it couldn’t do much harm.

“Phil.” he returned, and Dan smiled, showing his dimple, which despite Phil’s cold exterior he found quite cute. Eventually, they stopped outside a ratty apartment building,

“Well this is me, see you around Phil.” Phil couldn’t help but roll his eyes before waving Dan off. As strange as their encounter had been, it had made this late night (well early morning) job a little more bearable. When he eventually lugged himself into his apartment daybreak was nearing so he almost immediately slung himself into bed a lost consciousness within a matter of seconds.

His alarm eventually woke him at about eight in the evening and he emerged from his bed only in pursuit of food. Technically, he was supposed to keep a healthy diet, considering he needed a decent level of fitness but rationing food was one thing Philip Michael Lester had never been able to do. He ate cereal straight out of the box, any snacks he brought home were gone in a matter of hours and cooking was far too difficult. He knew the pizza delivery number off by heart and he struggled to remember his own families, which probably said something about his lifestyle.

After ordering some pizza and sneaking a handful of shreddies out of the box, he sprawled out on the sofa and switched on an old episode of Buffy. There were a few messages on his phone, one from his brother telling him he would send him his payment within the next few days and one from a client offering him a job for tomorrow. He considered turning it down but decided he would do this one last one and then take a break for a bit. Three in three days was enough to warrant a holiday. Once his pizza had been eaten and the TV was failing to distract him, Phil felt his mind wander to Dan.  
The man was a mystery, although with his apparent lack of experience probably wouldn’t stay that way for long. He probably worked for a larger organization since Phil knew most of the solo rivals that operated in London. Phil used to hate London, he always had dreams of staying in Manchester and working from there, but he had moved after university to test it out and found he actually quite liked it. Mind you, he only really saw it at night when there were few people around and leaving his apartment during the day was only something he really did for emergency milk runs and the occasional cinema trip as he was a little bit of a film nerd.

He felt a little bad for treating Dan as he had but what could he have done. They both showed up at the same place to kill someone, he wasn’t exactly going to act like a big softie. He leaned back into the sofa and sighed. As much as he wanted to meet Dan again the guy was dangerous, his poor planning and lack of still were going to get him and whoever he worked for caught. Hopefully, he wouldn’t run into him on a job again.

Four weeks had passed since the initial meeting and Phil was feeling rather chipper. A break had done him good and he was feeling rather well rested and ready for work. After finding out he had run out of coffee he decided he would brave the local Starbucks for his morning caffeine dose and pick up some instant crap on the way back. He was sat stirring his overly sweet drink when he spotted a figure hunched on a table in the corner.

Phil recognised the dark coat and curly brown hair embarrassingly quickly as usually he wasn’t very good at putting names to faces. He didn’t appear to be waiting for anyone and before Phil knew it his feet were dragging him over to say hello. He looked a lot less threatening than he had during the two men’s first encounter. Rather than the black coat and heavy boots he wore for work, he was wearing a pair of blue converse and a bright adventure time hoodie. He also had his hair styled into a fringed rather than slicked back and he was wearing his glasses,

“Hey,” he greeted, pulling up a chair and setting his own drink down on the table. Dan jumped and looked up from his phone. He seemed confused for a moment before recognising him,

“Oh, hello Phil. How have you been?” he said nervously. Phil shrugged,

“Took a little break but I’m as busy as ever now.” Dan nodded,

“I’d figured you’d be. I asked my boss about you. She said you were the best in London.” Phil snorted,

“An overstate I’m sure. Who is your boss may I ask?”  
Dan looked nervous and his eyes flicked over his surroundings. He looked hesitant but answered regardless,

“The shadow.”

Phil stiffened a little. The shadow, who probably used that name because her actual name was Gurdy poor woman, had been the bain of his parent’s life while they had been working. She was continuously trying to recruit them and had a rather bad history when it came to her employees. She would do anything than risk her own hide, even turning over other hit men in the area to keep the blame off her, a big no in the community.

“Why would you be working for her?” he asked, a bit of distaste leaking into his voice. No wonder Dan was so hopeless; she provided no training what so ever and didn’t even consider difficulty level when assigning roles. Dan shrugged,

“A friend of mine had contact with her and I needed a job.” he said with a sigh, “It’s not too bad and the pay is good.”

“How do you deal with it?” Phil asked softly, “Killing all those people I mean.”

Sometimes a wave of guilt would wash over Phil, leaving him completely paralysed for at least a day. It wasn’t the guilt of killing, it was the guilt of feeling no remorse. He had trained since he was six and worked since he was sixteen, so a good deal of his humanity had been wiped away over the years, something he was not particularly proud of. He did have morals. He wouldn’t take jobs that involved any person under the age of twenty-one and the client had to have a good reason for wanting them gone. He also avoided parents or anyone with any real public influence. Dan looked away and shook his head,

“It’s difficult, but I manage. I’ve always been pretty bitter about life. Besides if I ever get caught I can be my own lawyer, I trained at uni for it.”

Phil frowned,

“Why didn’t you just become a lawyer then?” Phil asked because surely that would have been a more viable career option that killing people for money.

“I dropped out; it was just something I didn’t enjoy. My parents weren’t too proud, but I don’t really talk to them anymore so it’s fine I guess.”

Phil reached out and placed a comforting hand on Dan’s. He didn’t really have any friends and anybody he had physical contact with anyone outside of his family usually wound up dead so it an odd feeling. Dan smiled, his eyes warm.

“You know I think we should be friends. My lack of social interaction is concerning and it’s not as if we have many people to choose from.”

Phil held his breath briefly but to put it short he was a bit lonely and Dan seemed alright, although he might be a bit of a distraction. His soft curls were begging to be touched and he had a hard time looking away from his dimples which were really too cute. You wouldn’t get many people calling a hitman cute. Dan had a big grin on his face, which contrasted, starkly to his seemingly miserable state just a few minutes previous. If he could make Dan happy, even for a short while, perhaps it would help him redeem just a little of his humanity. His parents probably weren’t going to like this, but he had his own life.

Sure enough five hours later he was on the Phone to his mum who was less than thrilled.  
“I can’t believe you’ve befriended one of Gurdy’s boys. You know he’s going to get caught sooner or later and if you’re not careful he’ll drag you down too.”  
“I’m going to make sure he’s careful mum, besides I really need a friend and I can be sure he won’t turn me in.” Phil groaned, more than a little frustrated,

“You don’t know that Philip, I just don’t want you getting hurt.”

“I know, and I won’t, I am allowed to have my own life you know, and you can’t exactly stop me.”  
His mum sighed in defeat,

“Ok, but if he gets caught we are not helping him and please don’t get too emotionally attached. I know how you get about these things and I don’t want it coming back to bite you or your brother in future.”

“Alright, I’ve got a job tonight so I’m going to have to go, take care.”

With that, he hung up. He was going to be careful and he wasn’t going to get too attached. He had managed it with everyone else for over ten years and he could manage now, even this new person was unfairly handsome. They were friends, nothing more and barely that. With those thoughts still lingering in his head he pulled on his boots and reverted to the cold, unfeeling demeanour he had learned to hold, he had a job to do.

It had been a few months now and Phil wasn’t feeling all that great. He’d been teaching Dan, even occasionally taking him with him on jobs. It was a stupid move and just as his mum had predicted he had gotten attached and developed more than a little crush on the boy. He was clever and funny, and they shared pretty much all the same music and television tastes. Dan had practically moved in with Phil they spent so much time together and Dan was building up quite a reputation. Business was quite scarce recently. There were no major political debates going on and the drug circles had been pretty quiet. The police had cracked down of a couple of clients and the rest were keeping a low profile.

Phil didn’t really mind. These things happened all the time and it was nice to have a break. Things always went full circle regardless. No one could keep the law in check indefinitely. Unfortunately, with all this free time he also had a bit of thinking time, as did Dan. Dan suffered from depression so sometimes he found it really hard to leave his crappy flat. When he did, he usually ended up at Phil’s who became a carer almost. It was difficult for both of them, but Phil was glad he could do something to help his friend through it.

Dan was having a good day today. He wasn’t feeling great, but he had energy and having already done a job this week, he wasn’t wanted for at least another few days. Phil was having one of his guilt-stricken days and really needed something to take his mind off it. Usually, they would go to the cinema or maybe watch a play, but this time Phil was feeling a little quirky,

“let’s go to the zoo!” he announced as they were both spread across the sofa, legs intertwined.

“What really?” Dan replied, raising an eyebrow, “How old are you, ten?”

Phil gave him a playful shove,

“Hey! Come on, I haven’t been in ages and there’s not exactly an age limit.”

Dan groaned,

“Alright, only because we don’t have anything else to do.”

Phil grinned and punched the air in triumph,

“Come on then!” he said jumping up, “We haven’t got all day!”

Dan rolled his eyes, but Phil didn’t miss the tiniest of smiles that made its way onto his lips.  
When they got to the zoo Phil found all of the evil thoughts briefly disappear from his mind. He’d always loved animals, especially cool ones like lions. He also found small rodents exceptionally cute.

They reminded him of his hamsters that he kept as a kid. He wasn’t allowed a dog so that was the best he was ever going to get, well besides his rabbit who was adorable and pretty much acted like a dog anyway. They were both cooing over a baby sea lion because you know, manly when Phil decided he could really do with a pet. It would relieve some of the tension he always seemed to build up and he had found himself begin to get lonely when Dan wasn’t around.

That was why when Dan turned up at his house the next Dan Phil was holding a tiny corgi puppy in his arms.

“Where the fuck did you get that from, I only left about eight hours ago.” He exclaimed in disbelief. Phil shrugged,

“I know people,” he replied before fondly scratching the puppy behind the ears. Dan reached forward to pet it as well.

“He better not be to replace me.” He said with a laugh.

“Never, and it’s a she. I still haven’t got a name. Help me please, I’m terrible at these things.”

Dan plucked the puppy from Phil, earning a frown from the other man and cradled it in his arms. She yipped happily and squirmed to lick his face.

“Aww, she likes you more than me,” Phil said grumpily. Dan laughed and passed to dog back over, scratching her ears and smiling because of how disproportionately large they were to the rest of her

body.

They both moved to the sofa and let the puppy run over them on her stubby little legs, occasionally yipping when she thought they weren’t paying attention to her,

“Hey missy, don’t give me that tone,” Phil said with a giggle.

“I think you should give her a really badass name, that way you act like you have a really tough attack dog. Why did you choose a corgi anyway? I mean I know you’re an odd person but I thought you would have gone for something a little more useful.”

Phil gasped and covered the corgi’s ears,

“Don’t listen to mean Dan, I think you’re perfect.” Dan rolled his eyes,

“She is replacing me!” Dan exclaimed accusingly. The puppy yipped and sat down on Phil’s chest as though in agreement. Phil smirked and pulled Dan closer into a hug. I may have just been him, but Dan’s touch seemed to linger far longer than it needed to.

“What about Missy then?” Dan asked, “I can see you calling her that and she does seem to think she’s boss. You mustn’t let her develop small dog syndrome though.”  
Phil looked doubtful,

“I’m not quite sure I want to name after a slightly mad and murderous time lady, she’s far too cute for that.”

“You’re cute and you’re a hitman for god’s sake,” Dan replied, still slightly distracted by the dog,

“I’m sorry, what?” Phil asked, his face growing bright red. Dan also turned a similar shade of tomato and started stuttering,

“Well I mean, I was joking, let’s just forget that. Missy or not?”

Phil was finding it a little difficult to speak as well but he shook such thoughts from his head,

“We’ll try it for a bit. If it doesn’t work we’ll come up with something else.”

Dan nodded, and Missy buried her head into Phil’s shirt. He was reluctant to put her down seeing as he could quite easily crush her by mistake, something he defiantly wanted to avoid. Dogs were pure and loving, they were loyal without a doubt and didn’t harbour evil thoughts or bad intentions as humans did. That is why Phil would always cry at ‘Marley and Me' but taking out a target didn’t make him flinch.

Eventually Missy had fallen asleep and Dan announced he was hungry, so Phil gently moved her to a little doggy bed he had placed on top of a footstool and put a little blanket over her,

“She's not a baby Phil,” Dan said over his shoulder,

“Yeah well she is my fur baby now and I have to look after her. If I am a terrible parent she will grow up to resent me.” He exclaimed theatrically. Dan rolled his eyes and headed back to the kitchen.

It was at about ten o’clock in the evening of the following day when Phil found himself phoning Dan. He had a job and, in the morning, the target would be moving out of the easy to access hotel room and back to his mansion in America so he needed to hurry. Usually, he would have left by now but Missy wouldn’t stop crying every time he left the room. He had googled it and apparently, she had separation anxiety. As cute as that was he really needed to go, but he also didn’t want to psychologically scar his dog,

“Phil what do you want.” Answered a tired voice from the other end of the line. Usually, Dan didn’t go to bed until way past midnight, but he wasn’t feeling too great, so an early night had been in order. Phil felt a bit guilty for bothering him, but he had to go, besides it could do some good, 

“Would you mind dog sitting for me? Missy won’t stop crying and I have to go to work.”

Dan groaned,

“Alright. You head off and leave your key under the mat. I just need to get dressed and then I’ll be there.” 

“Ok thank you,” Phil replied with a sigh of relief before hanging up. He pulled on his boots and jacket. Missy followed him to the door and began whining when he approached it, but Phil did his best to ignore.

“Don’t worry, Dan will be here soon, and I’ll be back on a few hours.”

He gently closed the door and headed off. He couldn’t believe he was being so sappy over a puppy.  
Unfortunately, his client hadn’t briefed him clearly on the building security measures so after leaving, work done, he triggered an alarm. He was usually exceedingly careful about police, but his mind must have been off because he had got himself spotted. His hood was up, and it was dark but he ended up hiding out in a garden for a few hours while things blew over. By the time he slipped back into his apartment he was pretty much caked in mud and soaking wet. That garden had an extremely poor drainage system.

He trudged through the hallway, not caring that he was leaving a series of brown footprints behind him. He walked into the living room to find Dan fast asleep on the sofa, Missy snoring gently on top of him. Phil tiptoed around, careful not to wake either of them. Dan looked adorable, his hair was flopping slightly over his eyes and in his relaxed state, the tension that usually resided there had gone. Phil carefully picked up a blanket and tucked them both in before heading off to have a shower, dumping his wet clothes in the washing machine.  
He was woken the next morning by his phone ringing. He picked it up to here his mum’s voice,

“I thought I told you to be careful!” she screeched,

“Good morning to you too,” Phil replied, holding the phone away from his ear, which was still ringing.

“You got seen, Phil! I mean I know they won’t be able to track you, but it was close. What were you thinking?” 

Phil groaned, she was seriously overreacting,

“This better not be because of Dan and that stupid dog.”

“Hey, don’t call my dog stupid!”

“You need to take this seriously!” She growled, “I’m coming over at the weekend. I want to meet this

Dan and we need a serious conversation.”

Phil was about to respond but she had already hung up,

“Are you alright Phil?” a voice asked, and he looked up to find Dan hovering in the doorway,

“Um yeah, I guess. I got spotted last night and my mum isn’t too happy about it. She’s coming over at the weekend.”

Dan laughed, 

“Remind me to stay well away then. I know you say she’s great and all but she sounds sort of terrifying.”

“No such luck my friend, she wants to meet you.” 

Dan groaned,

“Tell her I’m busy. I just came in here to ask where you kept the dog food?”  
Phil flopped back into his bed and sighed, suddenly feeling a bit dizzy,

“It’s in the cupboard above the microwave. Don’t give her too much though, she could eat for England.”

Dan smiled and disappeared, the sound of claws clacking on hardwood floor following him. Phil yawned and decided that he could do with a few more minutes of sleep, he was starting to feel really sluggish. He pulled the duvet back over himself and closed his eyes, praying that the dull pain in the back of his head wasn’t going to turn into a full-blown headache, he couldn’t deal with that right now.

It only felt like a few seconds later when he felt a hand presses to his forehead. He prized his eyes open only to squint in the light that was definitely too bright,

“Dan?” he asked, noting that his voice had suddenly gone very scratchy. 

Dan grimaced and handed him a glass of water,

“You look terrible,” he said sympathetically, “I think you might have gotten sick. You have a fever as well.” Phil shook his head,

“I can’t get ill, I’m busy!” he said with a frustrated groan, but he could feel now that he was going to have to take some time off work. All that time in the mud clearly had taken its toll,

“Pass me my phone please.” 

Dan handed it to him hesitantly and Phil thought that maybe he should apologize for being so grumpy, but he always got like this when he was ill so if Dan was going to continue being his friend then he was going to have to get used to that. 

He texted his brother and asked him if he could take over the two jobs he had coming up this week. Luckily, his brother agreed so at least he wouldn’t be letting anyone down. Dan had disappeared while he was texting but soon emerged with a bowl of cereal,

“Here you go,” Dan said placing it on his lap. Phil went to say thank you but all he managed was the 'th' as apparently his voice was now too far gone to reach an 'a'. He probably shouldn’t have talked so loud earlier. Dan smirked,

“Aww has Philly lost his voice?” he said, talking as though Phil were a child. Phil frowned and pushed him weakly,

“Hey.” He said jokingly, although all he managed was the 'ey'. 

Dan shook his head and placed his hand on Phil’s shoulder. He suddenly felt very warm, although it could have just been the fever,

“Get some sleep. If it’s not better by tomorrow, I’ll take you to A&E.” 

Phil hummed in agreement, but his eyes were already closed. His thoughts were foggy, and he wasn’t quite thinking straight so nothing Dan said really stuck. All he could concentrate on was how drowsy he felt. He lay his head down on the pillow and allowed himself to relax. The more well rested he was the quicker he could get better and the faster he could get back to work.  
The next thing he remembered was sitting in a waiting room at the hospital half asleep on Dan's Shoulder. He sniffled pitifully, cursing when another wave of nausea hit him. He let out an embarrassing whine and didn’t miss how at least four, slightly drunk motorcyclists turned to give him a strange look,

“They look like they’re about to shank us,” Dan whispered,

“I’ll fight them off for you don’t worry,” Phil mumbled into the other man’s neck. Dan laughed out loud, attracting even more angry glares,

“I don’t think you are in any position to fight anybody.” He replied. Phil grunted and went to counter, but he was too tired so all he could manage was defiant hum. The harsh hospital lights were hurting his eyes and the clatter of footsteps and the gentle murmurs of people talking around him was making him feel sick. He squeezed his eyes shut and buried his head further into Dan if Dan noticed he didn’t show it. Dan was warm and smelled slightly musty, it wasn’t the nicest smell in the world but then again, they had probably been here a while given that these plastic chairs were really starting to hurt his butt.

The sounds around him grew foggy again although he was still aware of them whereas before he had been completely dead to the world. He went to move his arm, which was hanging, uncomfortably by his side but found the muscles unresponsive so all he managed was to drape it across his own body and rest it on Dan's hip. If Phil was thinking properly he would have noticed that he was practically hugging Dan, but he needed someone to support him. When the doctor eventually called them in Dan had to practically haul him to his feet.

The medic took one look at him and sighed,

“Flu,” she said rolling her eyes, “Not exactly much we can do, you just have to let it run its course.”

“What if he gets sick?” Phil managed, gesturing to Dan.

“It’s only contagious in the first few days, how long have you been ill?”

Phil shrugged, “Two days I think.”

Dan frowned and shook his head,

“You’ve been sick for like a week.”

Phil felt a bit shocked,

“Oh well, I guess I’ve been out for longer than I thought.”

Dan scoffed,

“You’re telling me; you’ve been babbling nonsense for the last four days. I didn’t have the chance to take you to A&E until today, you would have got us killed.”

The doctor dismissed them and dragged Phil outside to a cab which he had called,  
“Your mum is coming to visit tomorrow by the way.”

Phil groaned.

“I thought I was going to have some time to prepare myself for that.”

“I mean you sort of did.”

“I mean enough time to mentally prepare myself while I was mentally stable, what have you done about work?”

Dan shrugged and threw his arm around Phil. They were both hyper-aware of the taxi driver that could very well be listening in on their conversation,

“I told my boss I had a family emergency, she thinks we're together now by the way.”  
Phil let out a laugh that perhaps sounded a bit forced but could probably be played off as because of him being sick,

“I wouldn’t blame her; you spend all your time with me.”  
Dan smiled,

“Yeah well, you are my best friend.”

Phil felt a sharp pang in his chest, he was going to relish the time he could cuddle into Dan’s side without arising too much suspicion, knowing full well if they did this when he was better he would figure out. Suddenly Phil gaped,

“Did you leave missy at home? Is she alright!” Dan rolled his eyes.

“Missy is fine, don’t worry. I put the television on for her and she stopped whining, clearly she takes after someone I know,” he said raising an eyebrow at Phil, “And she had plenty of food and water so she should have been fine. She’s been avoiding you like the plague you know, probably because you have the plague.”

Phil nodded, too tired to come up with any sort of response. It was dark outside, and the orange streetlight filtered into the cab. As he looked out, he spotted a few people staggering drunk outside and a fox patrolling the side of the road. It had started to rain, and drops were hitting the roof of the car giving a metallic ping each time they did so. The streaks of water falling down the window cast patterns across both him and Dan and he suddenly felt the urge to reach out and grab his hand, he didn’t though. When the cab finally pulled up outside of his apartment Phil was hauled out of the car by Dan who quickly paid the driver who had been eerily quiet throughout the trip. He muttered a thank you and hastily drove off.

When Dan unlocked the front door both men were greeted by Missy happily yapping. She ran up to Phil and practically sat on his feet until he bent down to pick her up. His muscles were so fatigued it felt as though she weighed a ton, or maybe Dan had just been feeding her too much. She wiggled in his grip and Phil almost dropped her but luckily, Dan came to the rescue,

“I think you need to head to bed,” he said softly, “can you get there on your own?” Phil nodded tiredly and set off down the corridor, holding onto the wall for support. He collapsed into bed, noting the pile's uneaten food piled up next to his bedside table. Dan walked in with a bowl of cereal and Phil smiled at him gratefully. He wasn’t really hungry, but he probably hadn’t eaten in a few days and he had to be careful with this sort of thing. He forced it down, ignoring nausea in his stomach.

“Do you think you’ll be ok for tonight, it’s just I haven’t been home in a while and there are only so many days you can wear the same t-shirt before it becomes unacceptable. I’ve had to borrow a few pairs of your boxers by the way.”

Phil grimaced,

“Eww! Well, I guess you have been my servant for the last few days, so I’ll let it slide.”  
Dan stuck his tongue out and stalked out of the room smirking. Missy pattered up to the bed and started yipping until Phil picked her up. She curled herself hit a ball in the crook of his neck and closed her eyes. Phil followed suit and prayed tomorrow wasn’t going to be too unbearable. The house suddenly felt very quiet and he could already tell from the atmosphere that Dan had left. It felt colder when he wasn’t there, and it dawned upon him that he now felt very lonely, even with his little pup. He used to go days without seeing anybody else and he didn’t care, then again maybe it was just Dan.

He was feeling significantly better by the time morning rolled around although he did spend at least ten minutes quietly grumbling to himself over the fact that he couldn’t just lie in bed all day. He got up and had a shower before stripping his bed sheets, which were beginning to smell a bit and throwing them in the wash. He also did a light tidying of the apartment although it looked as though Dan had kept on top of it quite well and fed Missy. The name was starting to grow on him, probably because she did think she was boss.

He got a text off his mum telling him she would be there in about an hour and Phil decided he felt well enough to go out for a little walk with Missy to clear his mind. He headed to the door and Missy immediately began whining, had they not actually taken her out for a walk yet? Oh dear, no wonder she was always so excited. At least she’d been trained to go to the bathroom on newspaper, so it wasn’t that bad. He had actually bought a leash, so he clipped it onto the corgi’s collar and set off.

For some reason, it felt somewhat wrong to be taking his dog out on her first proper walk without Dan. He was such a big part of his life now. Missy was in complete and utter shock but her tiny little legs propelled forward at a surprising velocity. Had Phil been feeling completely well he probably would have jogged to let her run next to him, but he didn’t quite have the energy. It was a bright but cold day. The trees were bare, and the grass was looking rather patchy and pathetic but there were a few people strolling along the pavements and the little dogs tail was wagging so hard Phil was worried it would fall off altogether.

People in London on a whole are not usually as friendly as up north but he did occasionally get the odd smile from an old lady crossing the road. A few people asked if they could stroke Missy as they walked. She hadn’t yet been socialised so cowered away at first but soon she was loving the attention. Eventually, he checked his watch and noticed that he should probably be heading back home. When they arrived at the front door, Missy seemed a little disappointed but the moment her leash was unclipped she bounded over to her bed and curled up. Phil dumped himself on the sofa

and pulled out his phone to text Dan.

To Dan:

‘Are you going to come over today and support me?’

From Dan:

‘It’s your mother Phil’

To Dan:

‘I know but she wants to meet you and I love her and all but if we get left alone she’ll want a serious chat, also she’s sort of mad at me. Please.’

From Dan

‘Yes ok, I’ll be over in an hour. I have to work later though so don’t expect me to entertain her.’

To Dan:

‘Thanks, you’re the best!’

From Dan:

‘I know.’

The doorbell rang and there was barely even a pause before the door opened,

“Mum you can’t just walk into people’s houses!” Phil exclaimed, standing up.

“I thought perhaps you might still be ill. Besides, if you didn’t want anybody coming in you should have locked it. Now come here.”

His mum walked forward and drew him into a hug. Phil stayed rigid for a moment, wasn’t his mum mad at him? He realised that it was getting a bit awkward and returned it quickly before stepping away,

“Oh, and you must be Missy!” she cooed, bending down to pet the puppy who flicked her ear in annoyance.

“We’ve just been out for her first walk so I think she’s a little tired.”  
His mum scoffed,

“You? Doing unnecessary exercise? I never thought I’d see the day.”  
Phil rolled his eyes,

“Anyway, where is this Dan? I told you I wanted to meet him.”  
Phil nodded,

“He’ll be here in a bit. Also, I thought you were going to shout at me, you know, about the being seen?”

Kathryn shrugged,

“You were ill, weren’t you? We all make mistakes when we are not feeling out our best. You have to promise me though not to take jobs when you aren’t feeling completely confident in your ability to effectively carry it out. My family means everything to me, I don’t know what I would do if either you or your brother got caught.”

Phil looked down at his feet guiltily. If she wasn’t going to get mad, then he could keep quiet about the fact that it was because of that job that he got ill. It would probably only worry her more. They started chatting about bits and bobs until Dan arrived. He too simply walked in and his mum raised an eyebrow,

“I see someone is comfortable.”

Phil rolled his eyes,

“I invited him earlier, he knows I’m expecting him.”

Dan walked in and Missy yipped and waddled over to him on her stumpy legs. Dan stiffened when he saw Kathryn and Phil sat on the sofa, looking little like a deer caught in the headlights. Phil stood up awkwardly.

“Mum, this is Dan and Dan, this is my Mum.”

“Ah Daniel, I’ve heard so much about you.” She said in a voice that was neither cold nor welcoming, she was scanning Dan, examining him almost.

Dan gulped and held out a hand nervously. The woman took it graciously and gave him a firm handshake,

“I heard you are currently working for the Shadow, poor Gurdy, and her unfortunate name.”

“Yeah, it’s not too bad,” Dan replied in a strained voice, “Working for her I mean, the pay is good.”  
The older woman smiled but it soon turned into a cold sheet of disgust,

“I despise that woman, she is a disgrace to our industry. She called herself the shadow but she is as silent as a squealing pig and as hidden as turd someone forgot to flush. I’m surprised the cow hasn’t got you caught yet, you must have at least a little skill.”

Phil thought back to their first encounter all those months ago. It had nearly been the end and Dan would have indeed been caught. Dan gulped and nodded, keeping his eyes trained on Phil.

“Um, maybe I guess. Phil’s been helping me train and get better.”  
Kathryn raised her eyebrows and moved her eyes to Phil. Phil shifted uncomfortably under the two set of eyes that were on him,  
“Oh has he?” She said, each word sharp. Dan looked between them, a panicked look in his eyes. Eventually, the older woman’s glare returned to Dan which did allow Phil to relax a bit,

“You are dangerous Dan,” she said after a minute, “You put my family in danger and I can’t allow that to continue. I will, however, offer you a proposition.”  
The atmosphere in the room was tense and when neither boy answered Kathryn took it as permission to continue,

“I will offer you a place working for us, as Phil’s partner as such. However, there are a few conditions. You will quit working for the Shadow and cut all ties with her. You will also undergo full training. Is that understood.”

Dan nodded vigorously and sent a smile to Phil, who did not return it. It wasn’t as though he didn’t want to work with Dan, he was his best friend, after all, it’s just he was confused. This wasn’t something his Mum would just offer. It was the family business and while it wasn’t exactly the most honest of trades both she hand his father had built it up with their children’s safety in mind. Surely just inviting someone else would corrupt that sense of security, she had to have some ulterior motive.

“Can I talk to you for a moment.” He said stiffly to his Mother. Dan sent him a hurt look and he knew it must have looked like he wants nothing to do with the idea, but he just didn’t trust it. Kathryn nodded and followed him out of the room,

“I thought you would be pleased.” She said gently and Phil sighed,

“I mean I am it’s just, you don’t do things like this. You have barely met him, there has to be a reason.’ 

She nodded,

“Yes, I do have reasons. You’ve been making mistakes and you need someone to watch your back. If you trust him to keep our secrets safe then that’s good enough.”  
Phil frowned,

“I got sighted once, it’s not exactly many mistakes and if you just want someone to push in front of the bus,” he’s stopped and took a deep breath, noticing his voice was beginning to rise, “He’s my best friend and I can’t let you do that.”  
His Mum groaned,

“That’s not what mean Philip. I just thought you might want to work with someone. Besides he makes you happy, doesn’t he? All I want is for my children to be happy and you can’t spend the rest of your life alone.”

“He’s not my boyfriend Mum,” Phil replied rolling his eyes. Kathryn shrugged and smirked,

“There’s something there, it’s just a matter of time.”

Phil just shook his head and walked back into the lounge. Dan was sat on the sofa in a state of shock and Phil tried to push what his Mum had said out of his mind. Yeah, he did have a bit of a crush on his best friend but Dan almost certainly didn’t return it and besides, who would want to get with Phil. He was clumsy and awkward. Until he met Dan he was full on prepared to live the rest of his life alone and eventually even Dan would move on 

“Do you not want to work with me,” Dan asked quietly and Phil sat down next to him, placing a comforting hand on top of his.

“No, it’s not like that at all. I just want you to be safe. Do you want to work with me truly, or is my Mum pressuring you?”

Dan looked down,

“No I really do want to work with you, I just think if you don’t want me there then there isn’t much point.”

“Well, I do want to work with you, very much. So how about you go and tell the shadow you are quitting and we can start training tomorrow.”

Dan smiled and nodded, carefully ushering Missy of his lap and headed for the door,  
“I’ll see you in an hour,” he called over his shoulder and the sound of the door closing behind echoed through the apartment. Kathryn stood in the doorway looking quite smug causing Phil to groan and mutter a quiet 'shut up'.

In the weeks that followed things changed a lot. For one Dan moved in. It wasn’t the original plan but his old apartment had been given to him by the Shadow so he had to move and rent in London isn’t exactly cheap. After much consideration, it was decided that it would just be easier if Dan lived with Phil and one of the spare rooms was cleared out for him. This didn’t of course help Phil’s little crush but at least they didn’t keep having to move between apartments.  
Phil stopped doing jobs for a bit to get on with Dan’s training and they barely spent a moment apart. He taught Dan to pick locks and jam cameras. He taught which types of alarms could be disabled and which to avoid. He taught hand to hand combat although he wasn’t the best to begin with, and, after a while, Dan was far more competent than he had ever been. It wasn’t the only thing that had changed. 

They woke up every morning and sat down on the sofa with a bowl of cereal in their laps and an anime or TV show on the tele. The at night they would sit together and watch something else before they went to bed. Missy had originally settled between them but as she got bigger and the gap between the two men got smaller she opted for her bed that was still propped up on the footstool. It took a few attempts to get up on her little legs but she managed. The gap between Dan and Phil became almost non-existent and on days where it was particularly cold or one of them wasn’t feeling great, one's arm would sling around the other and a head would rear on a shoulder. It was comfortable.

One day when they were sat in such a position and the film they were watching had finished a while ago, Phil looked down to find Dan fast asleep on his shoulder. He didn’t want to move given that it would probably wake the younger up but his face was heating up. It was the first time he had really thought about how close he and Dan had gotten. Sure, they were best friends before but now they were near inseparable. It was sort of scary, what if something happened to him?  
For the first time in his life, Phil was feeling as though he couldn’t bear to lose someone. He didn’t think he could face walking back to an empty apartment and there was always that stress in the back of his head that was scared that Dan would get hurt or caught and that it would be Phil’s fault. As well as that he was beginning to feel well, bad. The time he spent with a companion slowly fed into his humanity and bit by bit he could feel the coldness he had surrounded himself with melting away. It was frightening in a way. 

The next Day was tense and both men could feel it. Dan took Missy out for a suspiciously long walk which Phil suspected was just a way to get out of the apartment. The weird feeling from last night was back but he pushed them to the back of his head and began to meticulously clean his boots which was something he never usually did. The small flakes of dried blood that fell off made him want to vomit slightly and it was even worse to think that he was the one who had drawn that blood. They were leaving at ten and he could already tell this day was going to go slowly.

They left the house in silence. Missy whined as they went but as she had gotten bigger, her anxiety about being left alone had subsided slightly. Phil bent down and gave her a final scratch behind the ear before locking the door. He was wearing a black jumper and jeans as usual, as was Dan. He was traveling light, with only a small pocketknife. He preferred not to use his own weapons given that they were potentially traceable. The target was a middle-aged man who’d managed to screw over some important people in some way or another and it should be simple enough.

He was staying with friends and suspected little, so it would be a simple sneak in, sneak out job. After about twenty minutes of walking, taking back alleys and minor roads to avoid cameras, they arrived at a posh stone house. The orange streetlight illuminated the windows, which were dark despite the night being young, and reflected off Phil’s glasses. The clouds had grown darker with the setting sun and the threat of rain hung heavy in the air. Whilst rain could wash away any evidence left outside, it could also result in footprints and evidence of where they had got in so they needed to work fast.

They skilfully jumped the back wall and came to a window. Phil slid on some gloves and picked at the lock until there was a click and shutter moved up easily. Making sure their boots were clean of mud they stepped inside and came to a set of stairs. In the dim light, everything was grey and fuzzy. Phil checked his Phone, which had a map of the building and where they should find the target. Phil was suspicious as to why there didn’t appear to be anybody home and after a quick scan of the house, he came to the conclusion that his information must have been wrong.

“What do we do?” Dan whispered. Phil ran his hair and let out a huff. They either both leave now and call of the job which wouldn’t bode well for Dan’s future given this was his first mission and piss off the client, or they could wait and see if the target returned to the house.

“If we leave now it will look suspicious.” He replied quietly, “We can hide out upstairs and wait for them to get back.” Dan nodded and Phil relocked the window they had come in through in order to erase any evidence of them being here. Luckily, the alarm was triggered by the sound of breaking glass so as long as they didn’t knock anything over then they should be fine.  
They made their way upstairs, careful not to touch anything and entered the room the target would hopefully be sleeping in.

“Right you can unlock the window this time,” Phil asked gently, remembering that technically this was supposed to be a training exercise. Dan nodded and spent a few minutes fiddling with the lock before it came undone. Luckily it opened out to the back of the house where there was little light for anybody to spot the two boys in.

Phil peered out and squinted in an attempt to work out their escape route should anything go wrong. There was a back alley that ran behind the house where they could make a run for it and given that they were only on the second floor, a quick scamper down the drainpipes wouldn’t be too difficult. Phil ran this through Dan before they slunk down against a wall and waited. Phil looked around the room, noticing the unmade bed and open suitcase next to it.

It got up and began rooting around in the clothes until he found a passport. He opened it to find a picture of the target. At least they were in the right place. Usually, on jobs, it was quick, and there was little time to think but the think silence was slowing the minutes so that each felt like an hour and Phil found himself feeling something he hadn’t felt for years in a situation like this, nervous. Except he wasn’t just nervous, he was shaking, badly.

“Are you ok?” Dan whispered, concern lacing his voice.

“I’m fine,” he replied in a strangled voice. Suddenly the sound of voices downstairs and a door shutting jerked Phil out of his state. There were three maybe four people but only one male voice which Phil assumed to be the target. Ten minutes passed until the male voice bid the rest of the group goodnight and footsteps could be heard ascending the stairs.

They moved soundlessly over the wooden floor with a series of light footsteps and tucked themselves away behind the door where they couldn’t immediately be seen. Phil crossed his fingers and hoped that the target arrived alone. Thankfully he did so and closed the door behind him without spotting the two men. The light was still switched off but there was a sufficient amount coming in through the window to securely identify the target. He yawned and headed for the bed. Before he could lie down, however, he caught sight of the two strangers. Phil darted forward and grabbed him in a strong grip, covering his mouth so that any shouts were muffled. He wiggled and fought but in vain. Considering it for a moment Phil decided that with others downstairs it was too risky to hand the kill over to Dan and a crack echoed around the room. Phil released the body and it fell to the floor with a soft thump.

Dan gulped but shook his head after a brief pause and motioned to the window. Phil nodded and gestured for him to go first Dan skilfully slipped out of the window and was on the floor in a matter of seconds. Phil hesitated and looked back at the corpse. Its wide, dead eyes were staring back at him and suddenly it was difficult to breathe. He stood frozen, his eyes glazing over and the unceasing star was burned into his memory. Suddenly footsteps could be heard on the steps once again and Phil swore under his breath. He vaulted out of the window, not having time to lock it behind him and slid down the pipe.

“What took you so long?” Dan hissed as Phil’s feet made contact with the soft earth. Phil didn’t answer, only grabbed Dan’s wrist and sprinted towards the fence, scampering over it with little skill. Some of the wood cracked under their combined weight and Phil was sent crashing to the floor, a handful of panel still in his grip. A scream pierced the night air from the window they had just climbed out of and Phil let out a moan of pain as he pulled myself to his feet.

He pointed in the direction they should be headed and both jogged to the end of the alley before emerging calmly into a busy street,

“Try and blend in,” Phil whispered, his new limp, in this case, helping disguise him with the hoard of drunk partyers returning from a night out. When they had got about a mile from the house two police cars whizzed past, sirens blaring.

“That was close,” Dan said with a grin, seemingly unphased by what they had just done, and why would he be. He’d been doing this for over a year. Like Phil, he was accustomed to it, but unlike Phil, the guilt hadn’t begun to creep into his mind and feed of long forgotten memories, triggered by the fresh ones of a limp body and the sound of a breaking neck.

Phil thought back to how it felt and how many times he had done the exact same thing with no thought at all and felt nausea rise in his throat.

“Are you ok?” Dan asked, concern lacing his voice. Phil shook his head and vomited into the hedge next to them. His whole body was trembling and he was finding it difficult to speak,

“Can we just go home?” He managed to force out, although even that made him feel weak. Dan nodded and their pace quickened. Once they got inside Phil went straight for his room and slammed the door shut. Missy whined and scratched at it but he couldn’t find the energy to care. He’d forgotten what it felt like to feel as he had in recent weeks, to have someone who repaired his humanity and warm his heart that had once been cold and it hurt.

There was a knock on his door. Phil didn’t respond, he didn’t want to talk to Dan. Dan who was the reason for his inner turmoil, who gave him something to care about, who he loved. Phil wanted to cry because as great as it was to love somebody, a fantastic feeling that could have you floating on air, it was unimaginably painful when that love was unrequited. This didn’t stop the door from creaking open however and Dan walked to sit down on his bed.

“Do you not like working with me, Phil?” He said quietly, “I knew you wouldn’t from the day your mum mentioned it. You could have just told me.”

“No.” Phil replied, tears burning in his eyes, “I don’t think I want to do this anymore. I can’t believe I’ve been doing it for so long and not caring.”

“You’re telling me you’ve gained a continence?” Dan said jokingly, although it was in a way true. Phil shrugged and sniffled.

“Well, how about you get some sleep and we can talk about this in the morning.”  
Phil resented being spoken to like a child but his behaviour could be erratic at times and he couldn’t expect Dan to know how to cope with it.

He slept fitfully that night, alternating between waking up in sweats with visions of blue-tinted skin and crimson blood and staring at the ceiling with glazed over eyes. The wall he'd built in his mind to hide away and cover from view the years of cruelty and thoughtless murder, brick by brick was crumbling down. The cement formed for years of quiet solitude, Brocken only by the odd phone call and the moment before the kill had turned to liquid with the warmth and company Dan provided him with. Bricks built by years of training and the belief that what he was doing was right disintegrated under the immense pressure of guilt pressing down on him.

Everything he had done, every swipe of a blade across a throat, every pillow over the head of a sleeping form, every drop of poison, every broken bone, every scream of pain. He didn’t deserve to live really. If all the people he met truly knew the extent of his crimes they would not speak to him with kind words, nor comfort him in any times of need. All those who did not care of his transgressions were similar is mind and actions which had tainted his thoughts into forgetting the true horror of what he did.

The gentle patter of rain against the window had been the only distraction and as the sun rose the pale light was reflected off dirty puddles. The whole world looked dull, even his once vibrant houseplants he always managed to keep just on the edge of life looked faded and pathetic. Unable to close his eyes and find peace Phil threw off the duvet and set his feet onto the cool wooden floor. He padded to the Kitchen but each drop of water or creak of the floor caused him to flinch and his shaking form was almost too exhausted to stand.

His phone was on the counter and he eyed it wearily. A missed call from his mum flashed up on the screen along with the time. It was just past five in the morning, not a time any reasonable person should be awake. He couldn’t face speaking with his family at the moment. How was he going to explain to his parents that he was going to turn his back on everything they had built to ensure he would always have a career. He couldn’t carry on, be just couldn’t. The job yesterday hadn’t even seemed too bad. It wasn’t overly violent or difficult, but that scream. 

Somebody must have cared about that man enough to put so much emotion into it, although I guess walking into a room to find someone dead on the floor would be enough to traumatize anybody. How many people had he put through that? How many people had he psychologically damaged and left with the image of what he had done burned into their brains? He felt sick but there was nothing left to vomit so he instead just sunk against the wall and clutched on to it. His breathing was off and he felt dizzy but nothing he did seemed to make it better.

He managed to scramble into the lounge and fall into the sofa. Switching on the television as some kind of distraction. Missy was woken by the commotion and ran over to settle on his stomach. The weight was calming and with each Stoke of the little dogs back he managed to calm down just a little. He turned down the volume on the tele as not to wake Dan, Dan who has been the switch that triggered his inner turmoil and Dan who despite this he couldn’t live without. The stress of last night had momentarily blocked out his thoughts of the younger man. 

In a way Phil resented him, had it not been for their chance meeting all those months ago he would have just carried on normally and the pain he was feeling would never have been inflicted. And yet, it was difficult to resent the one you love, even if your love is unrequited. Now the idea of living alone seemed impossible, even the idea of Dan leaving left a bad taste in his mouth.

The great British bake off was playing on the screen and Phil did his best to keep up although admittedly it could never beat earlier seasons now Mel and Sue had left. The distraction gave him a brief period of respite until Missy began wriggling in his grip. Phil groaned but got up anyway,

“Alright come on, time to get you breakfast.”

He ran into Dan in the kitchen, he too was sporting a similar set of bags under the eyes,

“Couldn’t sleep?” Phil asked tiredly. Dan nodded,

“I was worried about you,” he replied which made Phil’s chest heart flutter just a little bit, “What happened last night? I’ve seen you do that a hundred times and you always come back the exact same as how you left. Why was that so upsetting for you?”

Phil nodded and groaned,

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I can’t do it again Dan, what am I going to tell my parents?”  
Dan sighed and brought him into a hug,

“What we do, it’s against human nature. Some people just can’t handle it I guess but you can. You'll get over this soon enough and be back to your usual self.”

“What about you Dan,” Phil said quietly after a sniff, “You just joined us to be my partner and I’m backing out on you.”

Dan shrugged,

“It’s only temporary.”

Phil shook his head,

“Don’t you feel guilty Dan,” he almost yelled, “I can’t do it again I just can’t and you should stop too.

Before it’s too late.”

Dan scoffed,

“I’ve given up everything for this Phil. I cut ties with my friends, my family. I took a job with your family because your Mum wanted me to and got stuck living here. I’m not just going to give it up because you feel bad.”

“I just don’t want you to be put in the position I am, to feel like this.” He replied weakly, “I love you Dan.”

Dan looked taken aback for a moment before simply sighing,

“You need to get over this soon.” He said curtly before stalking out of the room.  
Phil felt tears run down his face and angrily wiped his eyes. Sensing her master in distress Missy began to whine. Phil pulled out a can of her food from a cupboard and dumped it in the food bowl, hoping she would leave him alone. He wasn’t angry at Dan, he was angry at himself. Why did he say that, why was he being so weak? There was always some part of him that hoped maybe Dan felt the same, clearly not. When The younger man left the room Phil felt as though a small part of his heart had been ripped out and left with him and it hurt beyond belief.

They hadn’t spoken in over three days. Phil had barely come out of his room and he was feeling awful. He hadn’t slept or eaten and his mind was plagued with past memories. Even when his guilt and hurt faded briefly, it was immediately relax replaced with the pain that Dan didn’t love him. He couldn’t escape and nothing he did seemed to calm his racing thoughts. Eventually, Dan left to do Phil's job given that he was incapable of doing it himself and Phil could emerge into the main apartment without the risk of meeting his steely gaze.

He’d purposefully not touched his Phone just to avoid any social interaction and it seemed neither had Dan because it was in the exact same place as three days ago. The missed calls were still glaringly obvious on the screen. Phil let his shoulders slump and walked over to it. He might as well get it out of the way whilst Dan wasn’t there. He pressed the dial button and it rang for about fifteen seconds before being picked up,

“Philip Michael Lester I’ve been worried sick about you,” his Mum screeched, “Why haven’t you been answering your phone.”

“I need to talk to you about something,” Phil replied, hyper-aware of how dull his voice sounded.

“What is it?”

Phil suddenly felt very guilty because his mum sounded really concerned,

“I’m quitting my job.”

There was silence and Phil feared the worst. He was not expecting her to be supportive,

“That’s fine Phil, have you thought about a new one.” She replied gently,

“Wait, are you not mad?” he said in disbelief, “Again?”

“It’s your life. I mean you shouldn’t carry on if it’s getting to you, I don’t want you to be upset. LikeI’ve always said, I only care about my family’s well-being.”

Phil frowned, he'd never even mentioned that what had caused it,

“How did you know?” 

His mum let out a soft laugh,

“Dan called me yesterday and asked me what he should do. I told him just to take over for a bit until you'd made your final decision, seems you have now.”  
Phil sniffed and felt tears form in his eyes against his will,

“I don’t know what to do. He hates me now, he doesn’t want to spend one with me anymore, the worst thing is that I still love him.

“I knew you’d come round to your senses eventually. I don’t think he hates you, he seemed pretty worried about you yesterday. From what I heard you’ve been avoiding him not the other way around. Just talk to him.”

Phil nodded and sniffed again,

“Alright, I'll do that.” He said weakly, “I will call you again tomorrow or something.”

His mum sighed softly,

“Ok love, good luck.”

He hung up and spent a few moments staring down at his Phone. He was really expecting her to be mad, but maybe that’s because he forgets sometimes how much she really does care. It had been an hour since Dan left and logically he knew the younger wouldn’t be back for at least another but it didn’t stop him from worrying about him. He dried his tears and made himself a bowl of cereal (Dan’s of course) and sat down to wait for him.

The door finally opened he felt relief wash over him. He would have got up, but Missy was asleep in his lap and she was already grumpy at him for not paying attention to her over the last few days. Dan walked into the lounge and looked surprised to see him. Neither of them spoke until Phil cleared his throat,

“I’ve quit.” He said shakily. Dan nodded,

“I guess I’m taking over from you then, that’s what your Mum said.”

“Yeah I spoke to her, she said she doesn’t mind. I thought she was going to kill me.”

Phil replied with a chuckle. Dan slid down next to him on the sofa and rested his head on Phil’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry I overreacted earlier, I was just confused. Why so sudden?”  
Phil shrugged,

“I’ve been blocking it out for so long. It’s consuming me and the longer I keep it locked away the more it will fester and grow. I need to get out now or I’ll be stuck. You will be too Dan.”

Dan shook his head,

“No, not yet,” he murmured. Phil sighed but didn’t reply. They sat in silence both relaxing in each company after spending what seemed like eternity apart, albeit voluntarily. Phil eyes closed and his breathing slowed. The weight of Dan on his shoulder was pleasant and he was feeling sleepy. Suddenly Dan spoke and he jolted back into full consciousness,

“You know when you said you loved me, you meant that in a friend way right?”

Phil flushed red,

“Um yeah sure.” He muttered, not quite able to meet Dan’s eyes. Dan’s eyes widened,

“You didn’t?” he exclaimed sounding surprised. Phil wanted nothing more than to sink into the floor and bond with the carpet at an atomic level but alas that didn’t happen, for obvious reasons. He didn’t answer, only continued to stare at said carpet with a face that was steadily approaching scarlet. 

“Aww.” Dan cooed, a grin spreading across his face and putting his dimples into full effect.  
Phil didn’t move. This was something he really didn’t want to be teased about right now. He was expecting the younger to lift his head from where it was currently rested but instead, he simply yawned and seemed to shift closer. 

“What is that supposed to mean?” Phil murmured. Dan shrugged,

“I think it’s cute.”

“Don’t you find it weird?” Phil replied, cautious to test the boundaries,

“It would be a bit hypocritical if I did.” Phil frowned feeling more than a little confused but before he could question it Dan jumped to his feet, wobbling a bit as he recovered from the sudden movement,

“It’s late and I’m off to bed, see you in the morning.” He blew a kiss and left the room, leaving Phil sat on the sofa feeling completely dumbfounded. 

A small weight had been lifted off his shoulders now that they weren’t fighting and his family wasn’t too mad at him but now it was replaced by the not knowing what the fuck Dan actually meant. He said it was hypocritical of him to hate Phil for loving him, and then he left. Surely if he meant it he would have stayed. Leaning back he closed his eyes, knowing that another sleepless night lay ahead of him and that heading to bed was a wasted endeavour. The sooner he put the past behind him the sooner he could move on.

Despite the distinct changes in his situation the next day still passed like the previous three. He hadn’t slept or eaten buy at least now he had some company. Dan diligently stayed with him, placing a comforting arm which, although was nice, did nothing to dampen the torment and toxicity of his mind. He nodded off a few times, only to wake moments later shaking and hastily wiping tears from his eyes. Dan looked at him with such concern that all Phil wanted was to curl into himself a disappear,

“Do you need to talk to someone Phil?” Dan asked gently,

“I’ve already spoken to you and it hasn’t made a difference,” Phil replied dully, embarrassed by how croaky his voice sounded. 

Dan shook his head,

“No, I mean like someone professional. You’re clearly not coping well?”

Phil scoffed,

“Yeah like I can just go up to a therapist and go ‘oh hi, I used to kill people for money but now I feel guilty, can you help?’”

“No that’s not what I mean. You can just give vague details. You don’t have to tell them exactly what’s wrong, just get an idea of the techniques you can use to help you get back to a normal life and cope with the problem. That’s what mine does anyway.”

“You didn’t tell me you were seeing a therapist?”  
Dan looked down at his hands and shrugged,

“I was sort of scared to tell you, but it’s really helped my depression and I think it could really help you too. I’ll give you her name if you like.”

Phil nodded. He was sort of offended Dan didn’t tell him sooner, but he was entitled to have personal things he kept hidden. He wasn’t sure he liked the idea of therapy, it sounded daunting and feel like there was something wrong with him. Well, there was something wrong with him but as long as it was in his mind he felt as though he had it in control. It wasn’t in control anymore, however, as much as he wanted to pretend, and it was bleeding into his actions and body,

“I’ll ring her tomorrow then.”

Dan smiled and brought him in for a hug. Phil pulled away and looked into his eyes,

“I’m proud of you Dan, for deciding to get help. Even if you didn’t tell me it’s a big step in the right direction.”

Dan laughed,

“Yeah I’ve finally started to get better and you’re getting worse.”

Phil shrugged and laughed quietly for a moment,

“I guess we are always destined to be the polar opposites.”

Dan shook his head,

“No we like the same films and television and we are both massive nerds. Even if there wasn’t all of that we would still have something that was always in common.”

Phil furrowed his brow,

“What?”

Dan flushed red and leaned in a bit closer to Phil,

“Well, you said you love me and I love you, so I was thinking maybe we could be . . . boyfriends?”  
Phil felt a grin spread across his face. He nodded enthusiastically, ignoring the headache it gave him after days without sleep or food,

“You really mean it?” he said happily,

“I wouldn’t have said it if I didn’t mean it.”

Phil threw his arms around Dan and pulled him into the tightest hug he could manage. Dan chuckled softly and gently carded his hand through Phil’s hair,

“Are you going to be alright now Phil?”

Phil shrugged but a smile hovered on his lips,

“Not quite yet, but maybe, if you stay with me.”

Dan laughed and brought Phil’s head close to his chest,

“As if I would ever leave.”


End file.
